Cathexis or The Desperation of Desperation
Note: I wrote a rough version of this years ago for Zoetrope All-Story. Shortly before Ken Kesey died (I had been corresponding with him for a few years) I sent him the version below & he loved it & said it should be a made into a movie. He seemed quite excited about the prospect. I'm all for it, surprise, surprise.
Since time
is closer to a roulette wheel than a river, pretend for the purposes of the god
who created this story that his little bouncing ball of inspiration lands on a
number equivalent to a long time ago in the American West, back when civilized
men pursuing manifest destiny were not plentiful, a time, later white
historians would say, when savagery and godlessness reigned over the mountains
and plains. And since a blank page is like a bleak winter’s day in the land
where this god indulges his mercurial muse, imagine this story beginning as a
cold, snowy night in the rugged, desolate mountains. The snowflakes are as big
as marshmallows and visibility is very poor. No creature should be out on a
night like this. But the story says right here these words are to be written
and this is what to look for through the downy veil of ice crystals and
suspension of disbelief: a small clearing surrounded by dense woods, where
two gaunt, white-haired old men of the Shoshone tribe, both shrouded in
tattered buffalo robes, stand around a fire with flames taller than their heads.
The old
men were perhaps in their younger days proud, noble warriors, also
possibly complete assholes, but no—for the purposes of this story they must
still retain their pride and nobility. Behind them, their ragged tipis look as
frail as the old men. From a hole in the top of one of the tipis a much thinner
column of smoke trails off into the night. In the light of the blazing
fire, the old men's craggy faces shine like burnished leather. Come
closer. Can you see them? Their deep-set eyes, reflecting the dancing
of the flames, show no interest in their surroundings, or in the present. One
of the men is tossing his old worn-out leggings and moccasins
into the flames. His ceremonial pipe and eagle-feather war bonnet lie on the
ground at his feet. The other man keeps shaking his head, looking up, and
raising his right hand as if to wave to a circling hawk. His left hand grasps a
broken bow and a quiver of arrows. Without looking down, he tosses them on the
fire, looks once more to the heavens and chants.
Their
names, translated to the white man's tongue, are Bone Keeper and Bows to the
Wind. Both men are waiting for the same visitor. The one who brings the endless
night and takes all the days with him when he leaves. Perhaps the story god
will provide.
Bone keeper
lights his pipe and the two old men pass it back and forth. The pipe is handled
with the reverence of sacred ritual, although their gnarled, trembling hands
are a sign of another kind of ritual, the betrayal of flesh that all creatures
observe as time goes by. They will never know the jittering rituals of
modern-day teenagers playing a video game or texting one another on their
smartphones. While they smoke, a deepening roar begins to fill the air, as if a
great wind was compressed inside the earth's lungs ready to be exhaled with the
fury of a spurned lover. As the noise grows louder the earth begins to tremble.
The trembling grows more violent. A whirling vortex of snow engulfs them. To
combat his fear, Bows to the Wind sings his death song, although his voice
cannot be heard above the tumult. “Am I dying?” Bone Keeper calls out. The
fire's flames leap in the air. In more awe than fear, he wonders if the
white-eyes are making some kind of magic. Everything around him blurs as he
loses his thoughts. At the same time, Bows to the Wind asks himself if
his flesh is being lifted from his bones and turned into dust. He
hears Bone Keeper say something, but he cannot answer.
When their
senses return like a flock of birds to a field of corn, the two old men are
still standing in front of their fire. Bows to the Wind still holds the lit
pipe in his hand. What they do not know is that their mischief-making god has
transported them and their immediate surroundings through an imaginary wormhole
and set them down very gently on the corner of Fifty-Seventh
Street and Sixth Avenue in approximately present day Manhattan. Their
two tipis sit side by side in the taxi lane of W. Fifty Seventh. In front of
the CBS building their two emaciated dogs scrap over a piece of hide. The
Indians become aware of the strange change in their surroundings, but since the
night here is just as cold and snowy, they accept it since they can do nothing
about it. Oblivious to this phenomenon, but not to the frigid weather, a hearty
few of Manhattan's modern tribe march along the sidewalk in quickstep. A group
of staring German tourists pass by conversing in German about
the Anselm Kiefer show at MOMA. On the opposite corner, two
first-semester freshmen at Columbia who have just seen Spamalot shuffle
their feet while waiting for a taxi. Since earlier in the evening they indulged
in ‘shrooms, wine, and two lines of coke, they are afraid to bring up what they
believe is a hallucination. Instead, they laugh nervously, gesture wildly, and
sing Monty Python song lyrics. An African couple from Mbabane,
Swaziland who got off at the wrong subway stop, hurries along the block
searching desperately for a restroom; the woman is pregnant and needs to
relieve her bladder. Those who pass by the scene, see, but do not comprehend,
nor do they feel a compulsion to investigate—not even the Irish cop whose brisk
stride maintains its course up Sixth Avenue toward Central Park.
In the sky
above, the clouds have opened up, allowing the full moon to appear above the
tall pines, and higher up the mountains and skyscrapers of mid-town. Stars wink
between the buildings and through the tree's snow-laden branches. The frigid
air is now empty and still, but the tranquility of the wilderness has been
broken by the clamor of the city. Because the old men are hard of hearing, and
past caring, they ignore it. Transported along with the Indian camp are hunters
and prey. God has created a short, ragged bundle of a man, a whiskey peddler
who is circling the Indian’s camp followed by a pack of hungry wolves. The
peddler is both hunter and prey; he is hunter because he is hungry, too—on the
verge of starvation. His suffering—the hunger spasms, total exhaustion, fever,
and toothache—has convinced him the strange occurrence and discordant traffic
sounds reverberating in his ears is only temporary delirium. He is overjoyed to
see the generous fire, real or not, and only hopes if it is not real, his
imagination can warm his innards.
No longer
trusting their unsteady legs, the Indians now sit crosslegged, closer to the fire
since it has receded enough that their bones feel the cold sinking in. Bows to
the Wind shivers. He pulls the remains of his buffalo robe up over his back. Bonekeeper
seems already frozen. Bows to the Wind cannot see his proud chest rising and
falling. They are not aware of the peddler’s presence until he stumbles into
the circle of firelight, almost tripping over his snowshoes. Bows to the Wind
glances up at him and yawns a nearly toothless yawn to show his unconcern. Bone
Keeper grunts. He is sad to see the appearance of such a pathetic creature,
with his red, greasy hair sticking out from under his fur cap, snot frozen on
his wispy mustache, grime and grease in his beard, and worst of all, a sneer
curled above rotten teeth, his attempt at a smile. The visitor slips out of his
snowshoes and flops down on a stump close to the fire, his deep-set eyes
glinting like a ferret. The white man's freezing carcass feels a warmth that
seems real enough. His appetite has no fear of offending these savages. He has
not eaten since the heavy snows began. Now he is forced to scrounge food from
these old Snake Injuns who look to be as starved as he. At least he speaks a
few words of their lingo. His Snake woman from Fort Laramie had come in handy
for something besides spreading her fat legs and toothless mouth.
To his
great disappointment, they have no food to share except for one small piece of
foul-smelling pemmican. He accepts the offering with ill-disguised
disappointment. He tells them his name is Jean. His introduction is
interrupted by a fit of violent coughing escaping from one of the tipis in the
street. Bows to the Wind whispers something unintelligible to Bone Keeper, who
nods. He then looks at Jean with a stare so penetrating that he feels
compelled to speak.
“Dees
country ees merde...eh, sheet, n'est-ce pas?” Getting no reaction, he uses
signs and a few words of Shoshone to get his message across.
“We are
part of the country we are in,” Bone Keeper says slowly, but in flawless
missionary-taught English. Then he adds in Shoshone for Bows to the Wind's
benefit: “he speaks like a sick squaw.”
“Oh ho,
you speak de Engleesh, eh? C'est bon!” Jean is stunned, but he tries
not to show it. “I 'eard a seein' t’ings when you be starvin'. I
'eard a ‘oly men dat starve demselve on purpose. What I be seein' ain't so
‘oly...I be hearin' strange noisez, too!”
While Jean talks
the subway rumbles below them like a herd of stampeding buffalo. Bows to the
Wind lets his thoughts circle high above the white man's words, like an eagle
soaring on a crest of warm air. As he stares past the fire, he has a vision: he
sees a huge yellow beast with black feet and a glowing eye on top of its head,
running past them faster than a deer, and inside the belly of this beast, he
sees a white maiden, pale as the winter sun, tall-haired, wearing pelts of fur.
“Ai-ee,” he mutters, under his breath.
It is a frightening apparition. What he
has seen is real: a debutante in a taxi on her way home from the Beaux-Art's
ball. The girl, being rather homely, with a nose like a ski run, eyes that
almost cross, kinky hair, and layers of garish makeup, has been humiliated by
Dee Tee, the most popular girl on the upper west side, who said she was so ugly
she should cover her face like those Muslim women—and what about some breast
reduction surgery for those grotesque Dolly Parton boobs? If that wasn't
humiliating enough, there was the problem with her escort, a boy
from Atlanta. She didn't mind that he was uglier than she—he had a face
that made her look away, Dixieland—but it was obvious that he didn't have any
money, only ambition, and having ambition, her father once told her, is like
knowing the truth: the only way it does you any good is if you know what to do
with it.
Her name
is Sylvia. Sylvia blinks in amazement when she sees the Indians
and tipis on the street corner surrounded by snow-laden pines. The nonchalant
foreign taxi driver grudgingly slows down as he swerves between the trees
almost blocking Fifty-Seventh street. Sylvia asks him what is going
on, but he only shrugs his shoulders. He says something in his Arabic tongue,
but she does not understand. What he said is, “I do not understand what you are
saying, but I think you are very beautiful with your magnificent nose and big
breasts.” When the taxi is past the camp, Sylvia decides the whole
scene must have been fabricated; an elaborate promotion by some company,
probably something to do with the holidays, since Thanksgiving has just passed
and Christmas is in the air. She wonders where they found such an
authentic-looking set and actors. A tear rolls down her cheek. Then another.
She feels the makeup gobbing up. Why did I have to be born? she asks herself.
Why does God have to be so cruel?
She has no
idea how cruel a god can be.
A stooping
old woman in buckskins opens the flap of one of the tipis and looks around as a
honking Trans-Am full of hooting Italian homeboys from Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
nearly sideswipes the tipi. The capricious story god has decided to create a
time warp that joins 1979 to the other anomalies. Of course, the homeboys are
completely unaware. The disco music booming "Stayin’ Alive" from
their stereo causes pillows of snow to break loose from the tree branches. A
cloud of snowflakes drifts through the camp. The old woman leaves the tipi and
walks toward the fire, picks up the last piece of gathered wood and lays it on
the flames. She looks at Bone Keeper, her husband, and at Bows to the Wind,
whose wife was her best friend. The firelight flickers in her sad face. She
does not look at Jean, who is mystified as to why there is no fire in both
of the tipis, and why the old men built this large fire out in the open and why
does he smell burning feathers? He looks around for more wood, but doesn't see
any. Without wood, the fire will burn out before morning. Bone Keeper speaks to
Following Woman in a soft voice. He raises his right hand and gestures as if he
is drawing shapes in the air. His right eye has a tic. It looks as if he is
winking at her repeatedly. She says something in return, and then takes tiny
steps on her way back to the tipi.
The
homeboys have crossed the bridge to cruise Forty-Second Street, fag bashing for
sport. They are drunk, exhilarated, enraged crusaders hot and giddy with
Saturday night fever, knuckles smeared and clothes spattered with blood. They
don't mind the blood. Since they are football players, warriors, blood is a
part of their lives. None of them would admit it, but even the taste of blood
excites them. Since they know nothing of AIDS, it does not occur to them that
the blood of their victims could be infected with a death-dealing virus. This
was their game plan: see an effeminately dressed man who was surely cruising
for a hookup, pull over and jump out of the car, yelling and egging each other
on, and terrorize and beat him bloody and senseless. Get back in the car, yell
some more, and turn up the disco music full blast. Down some
more Jack Daniel's. What they also do not realize is that one of
their victims is not a street hustler—he is a well-known fashion assistant
to Gianni Versace. Even though he was severely battered, he managed
to jot down the Trans-Am’s license number on his palm. At the hospital he will
be interviewed by the police and the police will trace the car’s registration
and see to it that the Astoria homeboys miss the conference
championship football game, the most important event of their lives thus far.
The driver
of the car is the starting quarterback and neighborhood hero. John Travolta—or
rather Tony Manero—is his
hero. He does the walk and he imitates the talk. And he can even dance a little.
He is not like the others but he is afraid to say anything. Deep down he is
riddled with guilt, but his fear of being ostracized is greater than his sense
of shame. Not only will he not get to play in the championship game, but his
fear of being outcast will be tragically realized when six months later he
tests positive for AIDS, contracted when he sucked his skinned knuckles
splattered with blood from one of his victims. As fate would have it—it is
god’s will, after all—he finally comes to grips with his own gayness and ends
up an activist hero in the gay community before he suffers a long drawn-out
agonizing death.
“I think
this place is two places,” Bone Keeper says.
“I think
we are already dead and don't know it,” says Bows to the Wind in his own
tongue. He knows only a few words of English.
“I ain't
afraid a' deat'. I look it in ze ass a tousand times,” Jean says, sneering.
The fire
crackles, and then hisses with burning sap. Jean kicks the log and
the hissing stops. Bows to the Wind (whose head is presently bowed, not out of
respect, but because he cannot stand the way Jean looks), lays the
medicine pipe at his feet and looks up. In the dark, brooding eyes of the old
man, Jean sees a tiny reflection of himself. He looks away. He clears
his parched throat and sighs. The rock-hard pemmican tastes like rancid rat
meat. He knows, since he has eaten plenty of it. Shivering, he draws himself
closer to the fire.
Bows to
the Wind is thinking about what Bone Keeper had said to him the day the tribe
left them behind. He said he did not believe in life after death. It is
for the heart to believe, not the head. He has great respect for Bone
Keeper, but he cannot believe this to be true. He has been trying to imagine
what it is like to enter the land of the dead. He wonders if it is just like
the land of the living, only peopled by the dead. He wonders if he will be
young again. He wonders what happens to babies that have died. Will they be
babies forever? That would be ridiculous, he thinks. But it would be just as
ridiculous to grow up dead.
A black
woman wearing a clear plastic raincoat with only a filthy track suit
underneath, and stumbling along in even filthier Bugs Bunny house shoes, walks
up to Jean and asks for spare change. She is the first person who has
acknowledged seeing them. In a ritual of warning, Jean stands up and
waves his knife in front of his eyes until his eyes cross. The woman sways as
if under a spell. Her breasts quiver and shake as her bloated belly rises and
falls. Jean starts to sing, a nervous reaction, but his voice breaks
and he begins to cough. The woman finally shakes her head and staggers off,
saying, “these muhfucka's cray-zee.”
Jean is
afraid his desperation is showing. It is all he can do to keep from bawling
like an infant. He hates this place where he is a stranger even to himself. He
hates the Indians—probably the same band of Shoshone who abandoned these old
ones—who snuck up on him in the night of the first big snow, and stole his
dozen cases of watered-down whiskey, his month's supply of food, and even his
horses, leaving him only a team of stupid mules to pull a nearly empty wagon.
And now he is lost! The map the storekeeper at Fort Laramie drew
him was worthless. Of course, the man was drunk on Jean's private stock of
whiskey. Next time I get ze map first
'fore I make ze bargain, Jean thinks. Eef only I were
back in Sain' Louie. Back where he belongs—with whiskey, whores, and cards.
It seems as if he is trapped in a bad dream. The thought makes him burn with
defiance.
He pulls
an old bone whistle from his pocket and blows a few shrill blasts. The piercing
blasts shatter the air of politeness. The two scrapping dogs raise their heads
and howl. The old Indians grimace. Jean feels justified. Politeness
is a sign of weakness, he believes. To prevail, a man has to be bold, do the
unexpected. Like the time at a saloon and whorehouse
in St. Louie when he put on a whore's red curly wig, some
lipstick and face powder, then slipped into her high heels, one of her lacy
camisoles, and threw a feather boa around his neck, before sashaying downstairs
to a congregation of hoots and hollers. He waved and winked, and cursed and
spat filthy words in French patois. He danced on top of the rinkytink piano and
sang bawdy songs in a falsetto voice. The parlor full of gamblers, rabble, and
whores urged him on with great laughter and abandon. They bought him thin
whiskey and his fat whore for the night and by morning he had picked enough
pockets to buy his grubstake for the coming year. And he felt
like Jesus himself would have approved because someone had told him
the bible says rich men cannot enter heaven and he was only doing his part to
help them qualify for the Pearly Gates.
Remembering
that scene, Jean laughs, his open mouth full of gaps and blackened
teeth. The little act of bravado has made him giddy. Wonder if they know what
I'm thinking, he asks himself. No, not smart enough. Not as smart as he. It
takes a smart man to prevail in this country.
“Where are
your people?” he asks.
“There.”
Bows to the Wind points.
“God
almighty, dey must be stupeed to travel in thees weat'er, n'est ce pas? Must be
twenty below. Best to seet tight—keep de eennards warm. Where are your 'orsez?”
The two
Indians do not answer. One question too many from a white man.
Jean grunts
in disgust. Dey need to be taught a
lesso', he says to himself.
Bone
Keeper spits in the fire. “White man, are you more alive or more dead?”
“'ard to
tell these day, I recko'.” He snickers. “Some pee-pal are born dead.”
“Are you a
bad man?” Bone Keeper asks.
Jean affects
a hurt look. “Bad accordin' to the beechez and sonzabeechez, n’est ce pas? Nah,
I tink I a good 'nough man. I tink I a plenty good 'nough man. Better dan you,
I betcha. Baise-moué l’ail!”
“White
man, are you in my dream or am I in yours?”
Jean stares
at him. His eyes narrow. “I don'’ know what you be rattlin' on 'bout. Go ask de
wolves dat been followin' me fer two days. Dey out dere waiting for dere nex'
meal. You savagez are too simple-mind, eh? Me, I civiliz'. I doan worry 'bout
nuttin'. I let deh somedin' worry 'bout me.” He spits in the fire and watches
as his bloody spittle bubbles on a log. He shrugs his stiff shoulders. “I learn
eet doan matter. All dat matter eez—“ He has to stop, a little flustered. He
can't think of what it is that matters. Suddenly, a look of triumph comes over
his stupefied expression. “What matter eez, who get what, eh? Dat what matter.”
For emphasis he pokes the air with his crooked finger. Jean sees the
two old Indians exchange looks. There is no change in their expressions and yet
he can tell they are agreeing he is full of shit. He shrugs. “I speak only ze
trut'.” Out of the corner of his eye, he sees
two dogs come loping out of the trees, growling and nipping at the other's
flank.
Bone Keeper slowly turns his head and twists his body around just enough
that he can point behind him. “You see the black dog and the white dog? They
fight over even the smallest bone. Do you know which dog always wins?”
“Deh black
one, I recko'?”
“No. The
one we feed the most.”
Jean lets
what the old man say sink in, and then he says, “I 'ad a beetch dog could whip
eedar one, but I eat her!” He guffaws.
The two
old Indians are still sitting by the dying fire when Jean leaves. No
one says goodbye. After trekking a short distance, his exhaustion makes him
light-headed. His eyes can barely see where to put his feet. He imagines the
sky is filled with glittering lights. He pauses in the lee of what he thinks is
a rock wall, but in fact it is Trump Tower. His head feels like it is being
squeezed by a giant hand. He hates having to think. He thinks it is unnatural.
It addles his brain. He is a man of action. All he knows for sure is that he
does not want to go back to his empty wagon and butchered mules with the ache
still in his guts and teeth, the roaring still in his head. He has the sudden
irresistible urge to show these smug savages who they're dealing with. Their
contempt was obvious. The more he thinks about what the old Indian said about
the black dog and the white dog, the madder he gets, until pretty soon he has to
hold his ears and hit his head against the rock wall until the roaring dies
down.
While he
rests under the shiny facade, he hears them, the wolves coming to get him,
figuring he is too weak to defend himself. But it isn't wolves this time. Five
or six strangely dressed dark-skinned brutes swagger by the doorway and jape,
saying, “yo, look a dis funky-smellin’, Davy Crockett-on-crack-lookin'
mutha'fucka.” They laugh and spit on him, then move on.
Dese devil minstrel must 'ave
come from Saint Louie,
he says to himself.
Jean returns
to the Indians' camp when he thinks they are asleep, stopping his snowshoe
shuffle near a cluster of aspens close their camp. Although the moon is no
longer in sight he is baffled by the eerie multi-colored luminous bombardment
emanating from mid-town Manhattan and thinks it must be the source for the
Northern Lights. The dogs come out to meet the returning visitor, sniffing him
and growling, licking the salivating, leathery rims of their mouths as if he
might be something edible. Suddenly the white one barks at him
and Jean dives at it in a futile attempt to tackle it. The dog dodges
him easily and Jean sprawls belly-first in the snow. From the corner
of his eye, Jean sees the dog bare its teeth, growling, and then
lunge toward him as Jean pushes his head and neck deep into the fresh
powder. He expects to feel the dog's teeth ripping into his flesh, but to his
great surprise, both dogs disappear into the trees, barking and nipping at each
other’s backs, seemingly unconcerned about such a pitiful two-legged creature.
He struggles to his feet and realizes to his chagrin that one of the dogs has
pissed all over his legs. Lungs aching and gasping for
breath, Jean falls back against a dead pine and sinks to the ground.
When he can breathe again, he removes his snowshoes. A feeling of disgust
overwhelms him; it wraps itself around his consciousness like a rotten carcass.
He picks up a handful of snow and wipes his face with it. Then he picks up
another handful and takes a bite. As it melts in his mouth, he tastes the
nauseating pungency of animal piss. Pih-h-h! He spits and spits until his mouth
is dry, but he can't get rid of the taste. Finally, he tastes blood. His
infected gums bleed easily. The taste of blood is welcome. Even his own blood.
When he is
able to get to his feet he trudges into the camp. The old Indians do not hear
as he crunches through the shadows, following his earlier trail of footsteps in
the snow. As he passes the flickering remains of the fire, a fat ember bursts
into tiny stars, startling him. He freezes in his steps and listens for the
rustling of movement within the tipis. Nothing stirs. If the dogs barking
didn't wake them, he should be able to waltz in wailing "Les Fraises et
les Framboises." He moves on, shivering from a chilling sweat, coming
to a halt in front of the first tipi. Although he doesn’t know or care, it is
Bows to the Wind's tipi. His hand brushes against a leg. He lunges forward and
thrusts his knife again and again into the old warrior’s chest. After several
thrusts deep into the forgiving flesh and no resistance, Jean puts
his hand over the old man's face and feels his lashes beating against the skin
of his hand. But there is no struggle and the eyes go still. Only a sigh of
departing air on his palm.
He wipes
the blood from his skinning knife and crawls to Bone Keeper's tipi. There is no
longer a ribbon of smoke curling from the top. He crawls inside. The fire the
old squaw had tended is only embers. Before his blade can reach the old
Indian’s throat, the voice within cries out in a singsong chant as if the man
has been expecting him. Jean stabs his knife deep and waits until his
victim ceases to shudder. He feels for the old woman and his bloody hand finds
the contours of her face. A soft pelt covers it. Rabbit, he thinks. Underneath,
her skin is like ice. She is already dead. “Merci,” he whispers. He stuffs the
rabbit pelt in his coat.
While he
searches Bone Keeper, his hand rakes across a rawhide bag held tightly in his
hand. Jean plies it from his grip and feels inside it with his numb
fingers. It is a bag of small delicate bones of different shape and size. As he
turns to the moonlight pouring through the open flap, he sees they have been
carved into intricate human and animal figurines. He steps outside the tipi and
tosses them into the air. He sees them catch a twinkle of moonlight and hang
suspended, like giant snowflakes. Then they disappear and he wonders if he
imagined them.
At that
moment, the debutante is removing her makeup. Reaching for a jar of cleansing
cream, she accidentally knocks her older sister's old razor off the shelf. She
picks it up by the smooth handle. She sees herself plucking out the blade,
sliding her plump naked body down into a bathtub of clear water, and then
gracefully slicing into her wrists. Her parents—dressed in their formal
wear—would find her, throw themselves down and hug her limp body, begging her
forgiveness, smearing her blood on their beautiful clothes. It shocks her to
realize how much she enjoys this fantasy. She laughs, but the laughter dies in
her throat. She thinks she has drunk too much champagne. Get real, she scolds
herself. Life is for the living. But wouldn’t it serve them right? After
all, she didn't ask to be born. She would love to see the looks on their faces.
She takes
out the blade and nicks her wrist. A bead of bright red blood appears on her
pale wrist, and grows under her gaze. She extends her tongue and touches the
tip to the beautiful red jewel. The taste makes her salivate. She becomes nauseated,
not at the taste of her blood, but at her overpowering impulse. “Oh my God,”
she says out loud. Oh. my. God.
She has no
idea that, unlike a lot of other gods, her god really listens. Whether he
chooses to intervene or not is yet to be determined.
Still that
same night, the quarterback tiptoes through the hallway to the kitchen, trying
to be quiet so he won’t wake his parents. He would be screaming if he knew the
horrors that awaited him. All he is concerned with at the moment is making a
salami sandwich. Even with the windows closed, he can hear a boombox on the
street. What's a nigger doin' on my
block? he asks himself. That’s a good way to get a fucking baseball
bat upside the head. There are blacks and there are niggers. Just
like there are gays and there are faggots. There are two versions of
everything. He asks himself what it is that makes the difference and ponders
the question while taking his first bite. Then it comes to him, as easily as a
football snapped from center. It's whether I know them or not, he says to
himself. In his mind he sees the bloody faces of the men—boys, really—he helped
assault. Filled with disgust and guilt, he replaces those images by visualizing
himself passing and running for touchdowns in the championship game.
“I'm going
to be a fuckin' hero in the championship game,” he whispers. “And king of the
fuckin’ disco.”
Breathing
with a rasp, nearly faint, covered with sweat and blood, afraid to celebrate,
Jean finishes his butchery and stuffs the chunks in a leather pouch. In his
decrepit fashion, he hastens to get away, ignoring the paltry spoils of the
Indians' camp. Hefting the bag to his shoulder, he staggers to where he left
his snowshoes. While tying them on, he hears angry voices coming from a doorway
up the block, an argument, beyond his understanding, over squat infringement.
Worried that whoever it is might be heading for the Indians'
camp, Jean shuffles into the shadows of the trees. Snow dusts him
from overhanging branches. He knows where he has to go. As far away from here
as possible.
Watching
out for the strange-looking horseless buggies, he heads north up the wide
clearing of 6th Ave until he passes the statue of a man on a rearing horse and
then enters a more familiar looking wilderness landscape. An ambulance's siren
penetrates the woods. This new sound spooks him. He has never heard such an
eerie wail, not even from a wolf mourning the death of its mate. He wonders if
it comes from one of those stampeding beasts he thought he was only imagining
he saw. Maybe they were sent after him by the Indians' spirits to torture him
and drive him insane. He curses his legs and begs them to move faster, talking
to himself out loud, trying to convince himself that he is safe. He lets go a
high-pitched girlish laugh. It echoes in the still air. The sound of his own
laugh dies out as behind him from the direction of his slaughter a deeper, more
primal sound takes its place. The sound of dogs fighting in a ferocious, not a
playful way, but what sounds like a fight to the death. Jean turns
around to face his tracks. He cocks his ear to listen. The terrible sounds of
the death struggle are muffled but distinct, as if he were in a tunnel with the
Indians’ curs. He knows what the old warriors’ dogs are fighting over. His guts
churn as he imagines the scene. The fighting goes on for a while and then he
hears one of the dog's yowl and yip in wounded retreat.
He turns
around and steps out onto a frozen pond, the ice cracking like a gunshot. With
his weak, bleary vision, he thought it was just a meadow. “Sacre bleu!” he
says, blinking in amazement, and trembling. He grabs a jutting tree limb with
his numb, stiffening hand and scurries to solid ground. From the mellow
radiance of a nearby vapor light he sees his hands are caked with frozen blood.
He wipes them in the snow and then wraps them both in the old squaw's rabbit
pelt. He looks behind him again, shakes his head, and then moves on, cursing
himself for his cowardice and his hunger, which is assuming an animal shape of
its own, something that could easily devour him before the wolves get their
chance. Tears sting his burning eyes. Why hadn't they eaten those two scrawny
dogs? Most Injuns love dog. He would have eaten them if he hadn't been too weak
to catch them. Even dogs are smarter than Injuns. The Injuns deserved to die
for their age and stupidity, for their lack of understanding of the way things
are. He was just putting them out of their misery. They ought to have thanked
him. What fools! God almighty! He raises the pelt to wipe away the tears.
Then he
hears the wolves. They are closing in, using the cover of the dense brush. He
thought he had lost them, but he knows it was wishful thinking. Wolves don't
get lost. Jean pulls a chunk of flesh from the pouch and hurls it
into the shadows. Within seconds there is a rustle of commotion, and then a
snapping, snarling confrontation. Jean takes off in a forward tilting
jog. He knows he has bought himself only a little time. Somehow he must summon
enough strength to outdistance the ravenous wolves, and then find a safe,
sheltered place to camp. Then, if he is able to build a fire, he can roast some
of the flesh and he wouldn't have to think about what it is. It wouldn't be the
first time he has eaten Injun. Tastes like antelope, only tougher and sweeter.
After it is all gone he will have to wait until spring when all the snow will
melt and the flowers will pop up on the mountainsides and he will join a new
band of settlers, maybe from this strange new place, one that is civilized, and
they will give him everything he wants because they will know that he exists in
his very own world, that he makes his own way, in the way he sees fit, and they
will accept that, even if no one else ever has, especially the god who created
him.
His
thoughts are interrupted by a long, haunting howl in the distance, back in the
direction of the Indians’ camp. This time it's not a wolf, but the Indian dog,
either black or white, who must have conquered the other in order to feast on
what was left of Jean's butchery. Jean pauses in his tracks. “I
won'er wheech one zey feed ze mos' dis time,” he says aloud, erupting first into
silent laughter and then sobbing as he reaches inside the bloody pouch for
another chunk of flesh.
* * *
copyright A. Ray Norsworthy
